Don’t Say It!
The first time I remember hearing someone talk at length about an age-related physical problem, I was 49 years old. The occasion was dinner with friends, during which Sue (not her real name) delivered a detailed story about the dysfunction of her colon. I was shocked. Also, confused.
Why was she talking about this? Could there be a topic of conversation less appropriate during a meal? Then my confusion grew into irritation as, one by one, the other people at the table began telling similar tales of bodily woe. Not necessarily stories about their colons, but, apparently, they each had a body part, or two, that had malfunctioned recently. As the stories continued, I thought, Good grief! Is this what dinners with people my age will be like from now on — for the next 40 or 50 years? Shoot me now.
Now, many years later, I still feel the same and sometimes leave the table or force an abrupt conversational segue. Turns out my instincts to leave or divert may be good for my health.
Talking about physical problems is bad for your social life. That’s what 93-year-old Don Kaplan thinks, anyway. During the 18 years he has lived at a senior co-housing complex in Walnut Creek, California, he’s noted the difference between residents who seem “old” and residents who have healthy and happy social lives.
“The older people show themselves as older people if they insist on talking about their ailments and their problems and their complaints,” Don said during an interview for Gracefully Radio. “Whereas the people who seem to live longer and are popular here are full of [conversation about] the current books or the current movies and the current music, and even politics right now.” Indeed, topics of conversation are endless.
There’s that funny story about the guy in your social tennis group who scorns pickleball players, the ice skating rink your grandchildren built in their backyard, the pros and cons of including grizzly bears on the Endangered Species List or adding giraffes to said list. You could initiate a discussion about Betsy Gaines Quammen’s latest book, True West, or another author’s latest book. What do we all think about infill building in the historic areas of Bozeman or Lily Gladstone’s performance in “Killers of the Flower Moon.” There’s so much to talk about. You can even grab your smartphone and show everyone your favorite cat video.
Okay, maybe not that.
Of course, it’s sometimes appropriate and necessary to talk about physical issues. For instance, in therapy sessions and conversations with family and close friends. In an article for NextAvenue.org, Gary M. Stern writes, “Experts recommend that filling friends in on medical conditions is therapeutic and healthy, as long as it's kept to some kind of moderation, or leads to lessening, rather than exacerbating, anxiety.” But is the time for that conversation during dinner or at a party?
A man I once dated told me his grandmother, Mimi, did conversation research before every social event, including meals with immediate family. She read the local newspaper. She watched television news and listened to talk radio. Why? She was looking for stories and information she could use to prompt discussions during whatever party or dinner she was about to attend. Mimi always arrived with three topics of conversation in mind, as well as enough related facts to provoke a lively conversation, or—even better—a congenial argument. If an issue was complicated, she might even tuck a newspaper clipping into her purse and pull it out for reference and proof, during the debate. As I said, Mimi took social conversation seriously. Although she was in her late 80s at the time, she was not about to humiliate herself by mentioning a hip replacement or bodily functions. Nor would she allow this type of low-brow conversation virus, as she thought of it, to germinate and grow in her presence.
I was in my mid-thirties when I met her and, at the time, Mimi’s efforts seemed like wasted effort. But now I understand. And I often use her strategies because I think nonagenarian Don Kaplan has it right: No one really wants to hear details about other peoples’ surgeries or ailments—especially colon dysfunctions—during dinner. Or any other time. Oh, your audience might nod and smile politely. But if they enjoy intelligent conversation, they’ll probably avoid you at the next social event.
I’ve tried to avoid dinners with “Sue” for twenty years.
