Time To Listen

Chérie Newman and Kristi Hager chat while camping at Flathead Lake, July 2024. Photo credit: Willa Fouts

Whenever my friend Kristi faced uncertainty she’d say, “I am willing to be amazed” and march out to face whatever lay ahead. Her tolerance for new experiences and people was inspiring. Kristi was an exceptional listener, which made her an exceptional friend. The avalanche of heartfelt memorials after her recent death proved that listening should be on everyone’s list of valuable life skills.

Think about it: How do you feel when someone listens to a story you want to tell or hears something you need to say? If you’re like most people, you feel appreciated and valued. Each of us wants—so much—to be heard, to know that someone else in the world understands, or at least acknowledges, our victories, quandaries, and troubles. So, shouldn’t we all listen more often?

In her book, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, Kate Murphy writes, “Wars have been fought, fortunes lost, and friendships wrecked for lack of listening.” She posits that listening (actual listening without thinking about how you’ll respond, looking at your phone, or interrupting with your opinion) is “fundamental to any successful relationship—personal, professional, and political.” So, why are we modern humans so bad at it? Why do so many people feel isolated and emotionally empty despite the multitudes of humanity surrounding them? A simple answer to those questions might be contained in one word: busy.

Busy has become a badge of honor. Busy people often project an image of importance, but the older I get the more I think of them as unfortunate individuals. While they hurry through their days, they miss opportunities to connect with other people, including members of their own family. They miss opportunities to learn from elders, to nurture existing relationships and create new relationships with real friends—not just people looking to benefit from their professional network.

Other questions to consider:

When was the last time you experienced a conversation that deepened a friendship or nurtured emotional intimacy?

When was the last time you sat with another person and gave them one hundred percent of your attention for more than a few seconds?

When have you been curious about a person and taken the time to hear some of their life stories?

If none of those experiences are recent, you may want to start a Listening Practice to hone your skills. As with any skill, the more time you put into practicing the better you’ll be.

Kate Murphy also noted that, “To listen well is to figure out what's on someone's mind and demonstrate that you care enough to want to know. It's what we all crave; to be understood as a person with thoughts, emotions, and intentions that are unique and valuable and deserving of attention… Listening is about the experience of being experienced. It's when someone takes an interest in who you are and what you are doing." Amen, Kate.

Each personal story contributes texture and color to the fabric of our shared reality. But, if those stories only exist in a person’s mind, they can’t become part of the collective. Wouldn’t it be fun to create a big old crazy quilt of colorful stories that are unique to your family or circle of friends?

Sometimes, however, even if you’re truly interested in another person, getting them to talk can be a challenge.

Certain people, like the elders in my own family, say they don’t want to talk about themselves. However, their reluctance might be the result of social and generational conditioning, or a lack of self-confidence. Perhaps the person doesn’t believe their stories are important or remarkable. In that case, you’ll need to offer enough encouragement and genuine interest to persuade them to share.

Invite someone into your kitchen for a cuppa and a chat. Kitchens tend to be relaxing, comfortable spaces. If the person is willing, turn on a recording app on your phone and let them tell you a story. Then, transcribe and share (with their permission, of course).

Practice both random and scheduled acts of listening. Many, many acts of listening. Practice listening to your children, your siblings, and your mother. Practice with friends and random people you meet on sidewalks and inside stores. Make a coffee date with someone you haven’t seen in a while and listen to them tell you all about…everything. Just let them talk.

Dave Isay, author of Listening Is an Act of Love said it best: “If we take the time to listen, we’ll find wisdom, wonder, and poetry in the lives and stories of the people all around us.”

Go on a story treasure hunt. Practice listening until it becomes a well-entrenched habit. Be willing to be amazed by whatever you hear.